We were supposed to meet in Amman
In September 2023
She was at her Dreams Exhibition
And her photos roaming a city other than Gaza, and that exhibition was her first outside the city walls
And I was at the West Asia Karate Championship, youth and men’s category
How much we laughed when we met at Tamer Foundation
And Shababeek Center, at the border
We released all the fire kindled inside our chests through laughter
But the border didn’t allow us to cross
Neither of us got security approval
If only the border had allowed us
You wouldn’t have known Fatim
She wouldn’t have witnessed the massacre then
More importantly
No one among us would have written her elegy
She wouldn’t have left her will to Haidara
Nor to a thunderous death
If only the border had allowed it
Her death would have been longed for far from the sky of our city
Our mothers tell us that “if” is the devil’s greatest tool to object to God’s decree
But I use it now to see Fatim without death
They tell me they didn’t find parts of your body
They didn’t find your head
And it didn’t scare me much
Because I’m certain it preceded your whole body to the sky
To chase their planes and sing to them “a bird flew out of the window”
How much your voice, your death, even your life would disturb them
Dear Fatim
We talked several times during the war
We talked about the dream of meeting and gathering again
And about the beauty of the city you know and we know
And your unconditional love for it
What bothers me most about your death is that life was very close to you
Much closer than that death
Fatim
There is no true language for elegy
Nor meaning for it or for the country without you
Without your tender voice
And your eyes that shine whenever they open to a sky of new love
Why all this silence?
I knew you from our first meeting
You love talking
You don’t know silence
You spread the scent of your flower among the seedlings of our thoughts
To affirm the meaning of love inside usI knew you as a friend and an ideal companion
And our promise to meet and gather one day
And this time I’m waiting for you
To see you as I’m used to
Fulfilling for us and your promise
